New Medical Education White Paper

NHS efficiency savings may be possible thanks to radical plans for medical education.

The latest white paper, “Training Today’s Doctors Tomorrow” outlines policy (surely ‘plans’? ed.) that will allow medical students and businesses to do NHS work before they’ve gone through the expensive business of a university medical education.

In a joint statement released today, Secretary of State, Andrew Lansley and Secretary for Education Michael Gove said, “Under this system students will pay for their education up front by doing essential front line work like NHS direct, swine-flu hot-lines and general practice in poor areas where patients are least likely to notice. The NHS will be liberated from the economic tyranny of over-qualified, over-paid doctors and universities will save money at the same time. Everyone’s a winner”

Turkey twizzler Bernard Matthews is one of the first Business Partnership entrants to the new scheme. A minister explained, “Following the success of the graduate entry program in which people with a degree in something skip all the boring theoretical bits in a medical degree and get straight on to the fun stuff like trying out treatments on real patients, we’ve started a new Business Partnership program. This will allow businessmen to cream off NHS work for 5 years before doing a 6 week certificate in doctoring which will allow them to become consultants in whatever they like and earn absolutely loads.”

“Honorary Professor Matthews will be running the new Freedom orthopaedic hospitals using techniques imported from his famous poultry business. Instead of a full anaesthetic with all the expensive tubes and bleeping machines, patients will be given a quick electric bath and then their painful joints replaced by a big machine. A number of BOGOF (buy one get one free) deals have been set up so that patients with a dodgy knee or hip can get the other one done at the same time before it gets arthritic, as they inevitably do.”

Steven Dorrell, chair of the Commons Health Select Committee was unable to comment because he’d spent the previous day shouting at the rest of the committee. Another 6 white papers are expected before Christmas.